In the Avengers Infinity Wars, Bruce battles with Hulk, who doesn't want to come out to fight.
I love superheroes. I love their stories, and the insights we gain about ourselves in engaging with these heroes as they face their demons and do their heroic deeds.
In many ways in this movie I identified with the Hulk. My feeling, Hulk didn't want to come out to fight the "big guys."
In the Thor: Rangorock movie, Hulk was found fighting gladiator-style on the planet Sakaar. On Sakaar Hulk wins all the battles, feeling big and powerful. Once he leaves this planet, though, the demons are bigger and meaner than he is.
This feeling is so relatable to me, though in a slightly different way, because I am not fighting anyone, though I am battling my own demons as I grow.
Where am I growing? In every way. I've reached a point as a "Yoga Teacher in Denver" where I have created my career, and I am comfortable with it. I lead YTTs, I mentor teachers, what more could I want? If I wish to grow, though, it means facing my "less than" demons, my "unworthy" demons, and my "not enough" demons. Bigger demons like "self doubt." And yes of course these are demons I face every day. And yet, somehow, stepping beyond "Yoga Teacher in Denver" means that these demons show their faces in a slightly (sometimes greatly) bigger way.
So what now? Well, to grow means becoming more visible. More seen. When I am more seen, more people might not like me. More people might tell me I am not good enough, don't know enough, am not allowed to play with the "big guys."
And yet, "big guys" is even part of the illusion! Just because someone has had an experience professionally that I have not yet had, does not mean that person is any "bigger" than I am.

So here I am, saying, Hulk, come out... KRISTEN, come out, do your work! And little me, kristen, is fighting back, "NOOOOO!"

Who will win? I already know. I can't wait to see how the battle will play out. <3