I am not who I was a few years ago. Back then I wasn’t me. I had been whittled away. My mind was a spinning, confused place to be. I had many ideas and started many projects, but couldn’t follow through. The strong, independent me was diminished. Hidden beneath swirls of self-doubt and even self-loathing. But there was still a part of me that KNEW. Knew this wasn’t me.How did I get here? It’s a long story, but I will tell you that emotional abuse is real. Narcissism is real. And both are overlooked and misunderstood by family, friends, the court system. You feel you are fighting a losing battle just to be seen, heard and understood. And so few understand. My recovery process involved many modalities of healing. It involved a high level of awareness, and witnessing myself through it all. It also involved tuning out in order to tune in to me. To recover and rediscover me beneath the surface. The one who had opinions and ideas, the one who didn’t back down when something was not right. It was a long process of finding and figuring out what worked, and continues to be an exploration. I find that, with awareness, I am able to continue to heal moment-to-moment within the situation or relationship that I am in. If my story resonates with you, I hope you get to the point where you are able to discern what is happening during those moments of being triggered. The process of healing, especially when it is from trauma that has had an impact on you mentally, is multi-layered. It will eventually creep back up, and suddenly things you thought you had dealt with before are staring you in the face again, asking you to look at them from a new angle. This can come up in new situations, new relationships, and it can hold you back from true recovery, keeping you in the cycle of trauma. For someone who has been the target of a narcissist, seeking help can be frightening, because if the therapist or the source of healing sought does not understand the dynamics of a relationship with a narcissist, and its effect on the target, then you can be looped back into a cycle of self-blame, self-doubt, questioning “could I be the narcissist?” Because when you are a target of a narcissist, everything gets twisted and turned until you lose track of your own internal compass of what is real and unreal. It is a mindf*ck. You hear messages like, “I am taking my responsibility in this, but you aren’t.” And “look at yourself,” and be teetering on “what am I supposed to be looking at? Something MUST be wrong with me because they said so.” You might be asked, “Are you cheating on me?” And wonder on what grounds the question is coming from. What have you done? What could you have done? And, if you are like me, you begin to look at any relationship as a potential affair, which inevitably harms your ability to develop healthy friendships, because each one is a threat. With each message, you reflect back on yourself (because you are a person of high EQ, compassion, kindness, and empathy) and wonder what it is you are doing to cause them to doubt you. And in the mix, you doubt and doubt and doubt yourself away. Your inner landscape shifts to be fully unrecognizable. People say they like you, and you question that… “what is likable about ME?” You begin to hide. I wore horribly baggy clothes to hide my body, which was a source of shame because of the accusations of having affairs that I never had. You feel unsteady in your circle of friends. Friends who would support you, if they KNEW… but they don’t, because you can’t describe what’s happening to you, and when you do, they try to tell you, “oh, all relationships are hard”. You start to feel crazy telling your story because it sounds like nothing is happening, yet you know that it is. So then you tell yourself “it’s just me,” and “maybe it’s not ‘that bad’” and you stay. And you stay. And you stay. Because all the turmoil is your fault anyway, right? You become afraid of being alone. Afraid of not being able to do it alone. Incapable. And yet, who you WERE was a fully capable, strong, insightful person. Where did she go? What happened to her? Then your family says, “you were so strong and independent, what is happening?” as you struggle to make your way through the simplest of things amid all that self-doubt going on in your head. And then, it happens. You SEE it. One conversation. You see the conversation flip, as if the world itself had just entered a vortex and flopped around into that unreality where you were blamed for everything HE/SHE/THEY were doing. Projection. Pure projection. You know. Every time they say something, and you turned it back onto yourself in reflection, seeking deeper and deeper to figure out why you were the horrible person they said you were... you see, they were only talking about themselves! Ah, yes, wow. Now... Now we have something. So now that I SEE it, now I’ve got to LEAVE it. And this begins the new battle. A narcissist rejected has ZERO compassion for you, whom they said they loved. Now, you are no longer a source for them. They will try to hurt you. (And they will.) There may be awful court battles where you have no idea what just hit you. If children are involved, they may try to obtain custody they may accuse you of the most absurd things. You may be in what seems like an endless court case before divorce or separation. You may be berated with texts or calls or emails, vicious ones telling you what an awful person you are. And all the while, you are still spinning, stunned and confused, wondering, “who IS this person I was in a relationship with? Who is this person I thought loved me?” What you experienced was not love, dear. What you experienced was not love. And you deserve love. What you experienced was not love, dear. What you experienced was not love. And you deserve love. What you experienced was not love, dear. What you experienced was not love. And you deserve love. Remember that. And remember in times when you doubt yourself, feel like you are a “bad” person, that is not you. Not you deep down. Now begin to recover, uncover, discover yourself again. It begins now. And I can help. I know the path, and I have a program that will support you through 8 Themes of Transformation. And the 8 Themes will continue to support you as you reveal the layers that have hidden you away.
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AuthorKristen is a certified Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapist and Life Mentor. She offers online and in-person healing sessions. She lives and teaches in Denver, Colorado Archives
December 2019
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